do i talk too much?

that's another rhetorical question. been asking a few of those, haven't i?

I just had a day of plenty of chitter chatter, with me blabbering all manner of things about my feelings for people to my listener-friends. Who are so patient with me :)

All of me is laced in fear when I make yet another venture, and I let out one more secret to someone. A river flows out before I am sure whether I can trust them or not. It is lucky and good that I have myself surrounded by good people who are very deserving of the trust that secrets bestow. I am very worthy, if I have such good friends.

But I am also very afraid. I am very wary of the power of words, that carry things from an unexpressed oblivion in your mind to an existence. Suddenly, something that wasn't there is out there - what i say has words, has wings and now that my feelings are out the trap of my mouth who knows what direction they will take, whose mind they will alight on?

I pray that all will be well. And I dare nothing tell, on the blogosphere :)

its my blog...

...and i'll rant if i want to.

sometimes i just want to de-populate my existence. And then I suppose I won't be permitted to complain if there's too few people in my existence, or if i miss them.

If i just feel a little hurt, i overblow it. I don't have proportionate reactions. Whoever said, 'every action has an *equal* and opposite reaction' was wrong - 'equal'.. is an anomaly, unattainable, possible only in the head.

coherence, chitra, coherence.

so rant is because i just felt very self-conscious at this party again. I had a marvellous time at the very beginning - just when i left i had to break a glass, and that left me with guilt while i was leaving. but its okay - a glass breaks... like my friend once kindly said, reminds you of the fragility of things, and makes you want to break another one. :)

thank god for things still intact. then :)

rant aka why i love assholes

actually, this should be a rhetorical question, "why do i love assholes?"

change that, it should be a question with an answer. Why could anybody love anybody that brings them pain? I'd honestly like to blame my father. Enter patriarchal syndrome. He just brought me up with too much tough-love.

But I am, how old? That's right. 26. Too old to fucking blame daddy and mommy for a brain cell that insists on clobbering itself to death on some assholes footsteps.

wtf? why am i censoring this? this is a fucking rant!

and bleaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggggggggggggggggggh!

I've just met way too many assholes, and yes, i've even met the classic goodie guy, that i just cannot like because he's just too goodie. (even tho i'm a goodie goodie myself) (bleaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh)


this essay has to come to some sort of logical conclusion, and a decision not to love pain.

(i'm blanking out. i need ideas. enter wisdom here please.. i'm so pressed to write wise words when i enter this blog, but really i'm just stupid, so have no expectations. this girl is some stupid enough to love assholes)

gawd, this is supposed to be self-affirmative.

I'm always swinging between stupid narcissism of i'm just such a hot superfox (encouraged no doubt by my bible, 'he's just not that into you') (how ironic!) and some self-degrading image. but really they both feed into the same self-concern of how i come across. like right now, i really care how these words sound.

and this is such verbal diarrhoea... so its not very pleasant.. its also emotional diarrhoea... but it needs out.

Okay, I am *not* going to accept assholism. No more shit. And I'll be absolutely honest and KIND when I say to an asshole how he is being an asshole (rather than that he is an asshole). Gawd, i don't know why i cannot just drop-delete people out of my life. Its not even drop delete, its like avoiding pain. why can't i do it?

stay strong, chi stay strong. :) please.

cooking for friends...

...is such a blessing. wabi-sabi = weathered melancholy, or happy-sad. a japanese terms as one of the friends invited for dinner said.

i will miss this couple terribly. they're going to australia for good and will be married soon. I am so glad that i actually got my ass around to work and cook them dinner. and it wasn't too bad after all. they really enjoyed themselves, and although i was slightly nervous in the manner that hosts can be sometimes, i know that i was very relaxed, and knew that things were going just okay.

how does one describe excellent friends? that question probably has a very pretty answer, but how does one say goodbye?

of course i'm completely in love with them, and it just feels like someone rubbed eraser on my heart, and its all blurry and unclear and dirty-messy where something needs to have been said. its like seeing through tears. and i can get just this emotional. i guess what i'm trying to say is that i already miss them, and they're leaving in a week. i don't want to think about the week after, and the parties where we won't meet, the nights where they won't play music and tell outlandish jokes.

they brought me flowers!

and why is it always more or less like this?

i want a job. please employ me as bard or courtier. I am amusing and diverting and can blab about anything!

i'm mucho dissatisfied. :(