co-incidence?

and the book itself agrees with me, "6 good reasons to stay at home and bolt the door".

I should have just shown 'em the book, "Talk to the Book" :)

schlechtesgewissen

that's deutsch for 'guilty conscience', and yes, i have one. no matter what i do.

today the deal is i was caught alone at diwan (local bookstore) by someone i knew and my big mouth had to sputter that i was on a people-diet.

"that's not healthy".

"what the f***?" would have been appropriate reaction.

But considering i had just gone in to buy a book called "Talk to the Hand" that criticises "the utter rudeness of everyday life" I say something polite like, "but I do meet some people" and qualify by saying i wasn't into loud crowds. why did i have to justify myself?

and why do people think that going into your own little shell is such a bad thing anyway? its like when you are on a diet, the world wants to drag you out of it.

how do they know its not healthy, and why should they be allowed to pass comment so easily? bother, bother. grumble, grumble.

i'm better off in my little corner, thank you. won't be biting anyone that way.

hibernation is liberation

I'm going to make like The Plog-ster and plug-blog in this poem :)

Dream Song 14: Life, Friends is Boring
By John Berryman


Life, friends, is boring. We must not say so.
After all, the sky flashes, the great sea yearns,
we ourselves flash and yearn,
and moreover my mother told me as a boy
(repeatedly) 'Ever to confess you're bored
means you have no

Inner Resources.' I conclude now I have no
inner resources, because I am heavy bored.
Peoples bore me,
literature bores me, especially great literature,
Henry bores me, with his plights & gripes
as bad as achilles,

Who loves people and valiant art, which bores me.
And the tranquil hills, & gin, look like a drag
and somehow a dog
has taken itself & its tail considerably away
into mountains or sea or sky, leaving
behind me, wag.

____

honesty, such liberating stuff.

hibernation is liberation
liberation is imitation?

Mi Vida sin Mi

Mi Vida Sin Mi:

I wonder why they don't make a movie about the person that gets left behind. Showing that person as he/she goes through with something with someone and then is left behind. I think they did have this one movie with Richard E. Grant where he is left with this baby and doesn't know what to do with it.

Eventually he finds a babysitter, falls in love with her, and things are peachy.

Even in this movie, things are falling into place even as the main character's organs are probably falling apart. Things may not be peachy, but they will be.

Aside: i ruff mark ruffalo.

Anyhow, so after this movie that my Spanish teacher gave to me defining it as "una pellicula trista" (or so), I came back into my room, and saw the flowers that I had bought myself when I was walking back home after Spanglish lesson. They made everything better. Flowers are wonderful, even as gifts to oneself :)

My excuse was that I shall use them to paint but they've done a good enough job already of brightening the room. I want to be like a new-Mom and take pictures of the little babies in the vase, but I've taken enough. Plus, once I start with the camera I can get a little manic and start taking pictures of bookshelves, blankets, bags, candles, the ipod - ze bossipilities are endlez. So, less is more.

Two sunflowers with some other flower in the vase. Pretty.

Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps..

Prettier perhaps than the poem, is that I remember it today while it came to me last night:

I want
a thic-
-ker skin.
A bin
to put
my tro-
-ubles in.


I finally took the trouble to cook myself something. It seems nutritious and filling, but its not tasty! :S I am banning cinammon from my wannabe-cook-routine. It just messed up my good food. :S Too many spices spoil the broth :S Though what I made confirms that I want to stay vegetarian cos it tastes like meat. I think tomato cooked with some cinammon does that. I didn't have some other spices, so i thought i'd substitute. I just hope my tummy doesn't complain later. I cooked eat, so I better eat it :)

It is hard to decide whether or not to delete people from one's contact list on MSN. People one does not talk to, and one does not plan to talk to. Or people that just don't respond. I actually hate chat devices, except for a few peeps, I really don't want to chat with everyone I am visible/available to. And the people I usually chat with are people that will take the trouble of writing to me, anyways. Chat is just so weird. :-s I think I'll abandon my MSN with an R.I.P. sign. Actually, have any of you done this? I'm afraid of possible withdrawal symptoms, but I am going to give it a try.

'Get in the Picture'

There is a sign i pass by daily on my way to work. It has the picture of a beach, which says at the top "Get in the Picture" and at the bottom, "Why are you still here?"

I have the eerie feeling that it is speaking to me. Today, before arriving at that particular strip of road, I made a resolution to turn the other way. Of course, I got too curious thinking about if the sign was still there in the first place. Sure enough, there was the beach sandwiched between the reminders.

Although the message may be for me, that picture certainly isn't. Sharm el-Sheikh for a vacation, nevaaaaaaaaaah!

Basata may be nicer tho.

Seeing...

Here is something Yesha passed to me

Keep Looking and You’ll See, Bo Lozoff (02/27/06)

There are three fundamental rules that all the wisdom traditions say will help us accomplish our task, if we follow them. The first is to be cautious about materialism: Don’t want too much. Live modestly. The second is to dedicate yourself to something you believe in, something you think is beautiful and important. The third is to commit yourself to a personal spiritual practice that you can follow every day, even if just for a few minutes. Devote some part of your day to sitting in silence and saying, “Here I am. Guide me.” The point is that if we search outside ourselves for the meaning of life, we’ll probably never find it. But if we center ourselves and look for meaning in life, we’ll find that it’s waiting for us right here in the present moment. And I’m not just talking about the popular notion of “seizing the day,” which sometimes can mean little more than eating dessert first. I mean that a more profound spiritual power and freedom are available to us; that we are much deeper than we usually let on. [...]

If you sit still every day and honestly look at what your mind and body are actually feeling, the little disruptions and disturbances rise to the surface, because you’re not ignoring them or avoiding them. At first, you might know only that something is bothering you. But if you sit with it long enough, it will start to become clear. [...]

My point is that when we deceive ourselves, even in a way that’s popularly considered ok, our practice will point it out. If we have a fairly quiet mind, something inside of us seems to say, over and over, “You did something wrong. You did something wrong.” We ask, “What?” And that something says, “Keep looking, and you’ll see.” And then if you’re willing to act on what you’ve done, you may gain some understanding about yourself, and about the world.

—Bo Lozoff


thank you for this. it is right on.

especially with the part of deceiving yourself. the thing is i don't want to sit still because it may come and tell me. mostly i'm just afraid.

I take a look at myself and think how I could be nicer/kinder/wiser/better/anyone but who i am.

i don't know if its arrogance masked as underconfidence, because i am actually expecting myself to be great, second week into the job. on top of things when actually things have been waiting to happen for a long while.