"The Power of the Present"

In one of the exercises in a workshop I took today called "Igniting the True Purpose of Your Life", we had to visualize what we would do knowing we only had five minutes to live. The exercise would demonstrate "the power of the present."

Our moderators gave us the exercise and left the room. Although this was the last exercise, I think it should have been the first.

It set me completely at ease. Instead of worrying over the past or future, it had me completely where I was, more focused on my environment and at ease in it rather than wondering/wandering. Also whereas the entire session I was thinking about how to apply these skills and how they would work for me, this one time I was just living the moment. I remember similar exercises with Paul Mitri in theater class where you just got a handle of where you were - felt where you were, smell, touch, taste.. so on..

I was just immensely comfortable, and felt like talking to the people around me. I tried to - to these two girls, but I think they didn't appreciate the intrusion. Yeah maybe I wouldn't either in my last five minutes. That relaxed state was strange, and I cannot recreate it. Even now, I am tense - jaw tense, frowning, mind-boggled.

I often look back, and want to smooth over the past, and erase so many things. And I want to be more open, more honest, but it's such a risky task. The world is not so kind, and I come off as naive rather than trusting - as if to trust was a stupid thing to do.

On my drive home, I just shared a friendly conversation with this taxi driver, and he asks if I would go to "'Aasal Iswid" with him. Crash right there, rescind all trusting fingers back into my closed fist. Jaw tense, frown in place, mind-boggled again.

When I was younger...

The Beatles make even the bad sound so much better.

I wish I knew a prayer that I could repeat to myself
On nights like this

When I don't know who I am
I could reach for You, and it would make sense.

I thought that life could be ticked off using achievements. Done this, got that, am here, over that. It's only recently I realized how restrictive that structure is - how much like a narrative - with a clear beginning, middle, and end. Emphasis on "the end" - as if things could be neatly tied up. That when you got your degree you could take it home and put it on the shelf and that would be it. That when you faced a fear, that you were its master. That you did not have to pull it out again, and prove it every day - who you are, what you stand for. Even if it were only to yourself.

Then again, what you are, what you want changes. And that that too is okay.