Let them live

They say about your writing that "you have to kill your darlings."

That's what the critics would tell you. And this strange proverb seems to invite them into your head. I think the expression "cat got your tongue" finally makes sense to me. It's that hesitant way that Gutthi, my cat, has about everything. When I've picked her up and she has to think many moments before deciding that she really wants to be down on the ground. The always thoughtful and pensive way she has. That feeling of never quite knowing if you are saying the right thing.

What is the right thing to say?

Ever?

I have been so hesitant. Every word, every sentence goes through revisions. Words almost out of the mouth make their way back in into an in-breath. Statements turn into questions. Thoughts into doubts. Everything, all my words, all my thoughts, go back on themselves.

It's been this way for so long, and it's been so tiring. It's been so tiring answering all those imaginary bullies, and the real ones.

The truth is if I never let these words out, I will never find the beautiful ones, never have any darlings, and before I have the luxury of killing them darlings, I have to let these unformed, unthought words out into the world, to let them be ugly, unfinished, careless.

And simply let them be. 

Mary Oliver passes

I first met Mary Oliver on a bookshelf in Maadi, Egypt. I am not so clear why I was there, kneeling, and pulling out a copy of "Wild Geese" by Mary Oliver from a white row of low shelves. Perhaps I was there after a workshop or an event. I am also not clear about the name of this place.

I remember the book being a beautiful purple coloured cover, and I think I may not remember it correctly. I remember it being almost square and weighing well in the hand. I remember reading the title poem, and I remember wanting to keep the book, probably to steal it.

I remember sharing the poem with a friend, who had read her poem "The Dogfish."

I remember sharing it with another friend I loved, and who faced confusion, and I remember sharing it with another friend, and another love.

I remember pulling it out to comfort myself, realising the value of the freedom from the burden of being good, though I have always tried so hard to be good.

You do not have to be good.

You do not have to walk on your knees

for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body

love what it loves.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.

Meanwhile the world goes on.

Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain

are moving across the landscapes,

over the prairies and the deep trees,

the mountains and the rivers.

Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,

are heading home again.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,

the world offers itself to your imagination,

calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting -

over and over announcing your place

in the family of things. Mary Oliver Wild Geese

I know this poem is a blessing.

As I hear of her death, I know that I have never craved to meet this person, yet her touch has been light and present, especially in moments where I searched for or sought to share hope. 

If I could pass through this world as lightly, and with as much grace...

I remember today, waking up to quotes and dedications to this poet, and feeling already left behind, feeling already old in my praise.

It is almost as if nothing had happened. You will always be like this quiet morning, this soft light that shines on the bright green leaves of the tree. 

And I am thankful. 

Spark Joy!

I have been watching "Tidying Up" on Netflix featuring petite cleaning sensation Marie Kondo. Her konmari method is based on the philosophy of joy. Keep only the things that "spark joy", she says in her Japanese accent. Marie is also a master folder, and has a technique of folding clothes - usually in thirds - so that they fold into a smooth rectangle that can be stacked vertically. This both makes for neatness and maximises space.

Today, another thing that sparked joy besides my little daily cleaning has been a meeting with Dr. Vikram Patel. I put forward my proposal with Echo to Dr. Patel, who is an eminent psychiatrist dealing with mental health issues globally. Clearly this was daunting because he could quickly spot flaws in my argument. This time I came quite prepared. I had a good presentation and answers to most of his questions.

Today sparked joy.

I find it difficult to toe the line between arrogance and under-confidence. I'm usually on one side or the other. Today I went in fairly prepared, both with the presentation and with expectations, which were quite low. I went in thinking that my idea may be dismissed completely. But with Kartik by my side helping me prepare and present my case to Dr. Patel, I felt confident enough to defend my idea, clear any doubts, and answer questions sufficiently. I also made sufficient headway in terms of progress at the first meeting, and have enough to go on to ask for a second meeting. That already is enough.

We have what it takes to take this project forward. All we need now is funding. Granted that is a big ask, but at the same time, having Sangath and Dr. Vikram Patel by our side is a huge achievement. To be honest, even Kartik and Echo had not yet managed a meeting with Dr. Patel, but now they finally have. Dr. Patel already knew about Sangath and he already has a meeting planned with Dr. Arora. Kartik did not know about this, or did not know that it would be brought up at the meeting, but Dr. Patel apparently has spoken already to Sanjeev Arora and they will be having a meeting next week. So that's very good.

A lot of steps need to be taken to ensure that we are taken seriously. Small steps, like business cards. Medium steps, like a website, and large steps, like registering the organisation formally. I will need Blessin on board for this. I guess that's a nicer way to say, aaaaaaaaaah paaanic, Blessin!

So, all in all a good day. I worked for hours at 91springboard right after the meeting with Dr. Patel. I might take up a work-space over there at Nehru Place. I think the chair arrangement suits me far better because I like having my little corner in the cafe area. So I'll work for another day tomorrow and try to see if it works out with Blessin to finance a chair in the other area. Tomorrow I'll also speak to Google for Entrepreneurs and see what kind of support and funding is available over there.

Had a good catch-up and meeting with Blessin today too. Talked about how to take Sahaayta forward, and honestly talked about my financial situation which was good to do, because someone needs to know about that.